In the weeks after Maddie was born I would mentally test myself all of the time to see if I had the kind of mother instinct I had always heard about. I would look at Maddie and ask myself if I would be lost without her like I had heard parent say about their children. I would look at Maddie and ask myself if life as I knew it would be over without her. Many questions like these, all to test my mothering instinct. I remember thinking that it would be a terrible terrible loss to lose my baby but at that point she was so fresh in our lives that I didn't know what it would mean to me. Maddie didn't have a personality yet. We hadn't gotten to know each other yet. She was a little beautiful bundle but I didn't know too much more about her. I knew it took us so much to bring her into this world but I didn't know what she meant to me at that point.
Maddie is going to be 18 months next week and I can tell you that I do have the mothering instinct. If I ever lost her I would absolutely be devastated and I would absolutely be lost without her. She is my everything and 18 months after her birth I still look at her everyday and marvel at how perfect and happy she is. She is my little side kick and I adore her so much. She makes my heart smile. She makes me laugh. She looks up to me and communicates with me, she learns from me. I sense what she wants and needs like she is part of me. I know her better than anyone on this planet. I often talk to her while I rock her before bed and tell her how much I love her and will tell her things that I want her to know. I talked to her last week about how there are only five to six more months in which she will be my only child but that there will never be another her. I tell her that no matter what we have I want her to grow up loving and respecting her little brother or sister. I want them to always be friends even though they may have disagreements. I want her relationship with her sibling to be different than the relationship I have with my brother. I talk to her about how I want her to always know that she can talk to me, about anything and that I will always to my best to help her.
I can't tell you what a relief it is to say that I do have the mothering instinct. I feel I am doing great at being a Mother. I have my own personal fears that my ability to be a good Mother or want to be a good Mother will go away one day. That's my own personal fear. It always seemed like my Mother was a good Mother up until she decided she would rather be or do something else and I really believe a Mother is a Mother for life. Even Jamie and myself need Mother's from time to time.
Anyway, Madelyn and Baby Ducky...if you are reading this one day later in life. Know that I love you more than anything in the world and know that you have changed my life in such a positive way and that my life would never be the same without you. Thank you for coming into my life and making me a Mama.
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I can definitely relate to this. You and I both have difficult relationships with our mothers. It's so hard, when we were trying to become mothers - desperately - to look at our mothers and not understand how they don't treasure their motherhood responsibilities. I also worried about my capabilities as a mother, primarily because I don't feel like I have a good example. But you and I, we're doing it. We're mothers to our little girls, and we love them so much. And yes, we would do ANYTHING for them! So happy for you!
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