It feels so good to spill the beans!

 This was a big weekend for our family.  We let everyone know that we are expecting another baby!  We took Nancy (Jamie's Mom) out to dinner at Hodak's Saturday night and then to the Botanical Garden to see the Chinese Lantern Exhibit.  Jamie told her she had another birthday to attend in January but we didn't know exactly when it would be and then handed her a card that said we were expecting a baby.  She held the card and laughed and teared and said "if this is what I think it is, I predicted it."  She had a feeling we were taking her to dinner to tell her we were pregnant.  She was excited and it felt so good to tell her.  Oddly enough when we sat down to dinner we sat next to a couple that mentioned to us that they were expecting their first grandchild in a month.  Later, Nancy told them that she is expecting her new grandchild in January.  The Chinese Lantern Festival was beautiful and there was a nice breeze that made the eighty-something degree weather bearable.  Maddie was so well behaved and in such a happy mood that night.  She was up until 10 o'clock!

Sunday morning we took my Parents to breakfast for Father's Day and had Maddie wear her shirt to breakfast.  It *only* took my Mom 45 minutes to ask what was on Maddie's shirt.  This was after sitting at a table with her for half an hour and taking Maddie out walking for fifteen minutes.

We planned on telling Jamie's Dad and his older Sister's family that we were pregnant on Father's Day at our home.  Jamie, being the good Grandson that he is wanted to include his Grandmother in the weekend even though she was in Florida.  Maddie and I headed to the park Friday to see the horses and enjoy a little picnic and take some pictures in her big sister shirt.  I edited them to put words on them and emailed them to Jamie who emailed them to the Receptionist at the Marbelle Club (Shirley's condo) and the Receptionist sent the pictures to Shirley's neighbor with instructions to give them to Shirley no earlier than 6:00 Eastern Time.

Fast Forward...

Julie, Jamie's Sister, gets a call around 4:00 our time ( 5:00 Eastern) from Shirley.  Shirley says "I got the news"  Julie, was trying to act like she didn't know and said "What news?"  Shirley knew.  She got the pictures early and long story short, she called everyone she could get a hold of including Jamie's Dad, older sister and younger sister and God only knows who else in the family!

Surprise ruined.  Typical.  Oh well.  It's all a part of the story now.

Here are the pictures...

The dinner was a good time. We decided to make a mini-hamburger bar with all of the fixings and an ice cream bar for dessert.   Maddie is really looking up to her older Cousin, Lilly.  It was cute to see her following her around the house.   It was great to see everyone and celebrate the Father's and the new baby.


Jamie and I shared the news on Facebook Monday.  I told my co-workers on Monday as well.  Now, everyone knows and boy does it feel good.  

10 Weeks!

How far along? 10 weeks

Baby Size: About 1.5 inches.  The size of a prune!

Total weight gain: Down 6 pounds

Maternity clothes? Yes and no. 

Stretch marks? Not yet.

Sleep: Last night was my first bad night of sleep where I woke up at 4:00 and had a difficult time getting back to sleep.  I guess I finally did just before the alarm went off.

Best moment this week: The best moment this week has been spilling the news that I am pregnant a second time with co-workers and friends.  I am really looking forward to telling our families on Father's Day.

Miss Anything? Nothing

Movement: Not yet.  I was thinking last night about how I can't wait for the baby to start moving.  That is such a special moment.

Food cravings: Carbs and Chocolate!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Barbecue and grilled meats!

Gender: Not sure but I would be delighted with either!

Labor Signs: Nah!

Symptoms: Tired tired tired!  I take a nap a day usually on week days and sometimes two naps a day on weekends.  My back is still hurting from the accident.  Sleeping on my side has been more difficult this pregnancy than last.

Mood: Happy, but some sad moments.  It's a strange feeling to have everything you have ever wanted and to be sad.  I have a lot of family drama happening right now and it's difficult looking ahead 7 months and knowing your support system is weak.  At least I have Jamie and Maddie and some members of J's family.  They provide a "normal" feeling when it comes to family.

Looking forward to: I am looking forward to soooo much!  From feeling the baby move to finding out the sex to playing music through headphones on my belly once the baby can hear to decorating the nursery and finally meeting this new precious baby!

Ultrasound - 7 weeks 5 days

5/30/12


Dehhhhh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhhhhhh nuhhhhhhhh,
Dehhhhh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhhhhhh nuhhh......

That's my graduation song!  I graduated to my regular OB!   YAY!!!!!  I finally feel like I can accept this pregnancy!  Same as last pregnancy, I will take this opportunity to put up my ticker and start my weekly updates.  I am so excited and so grateful for this second baby.

The heartbeat was 162 bpm!  Up from the original 95 bpm at 6 weeks and the 125 bpm in the Emergency Room after the accident.   I forgot how beautiful of a sound that fast beating heart is.    This is my second pregnancy but I am still just as in awe of the fact that my body made that heart.  My body made that heart beat.  I won't be taking any of this pregnancy for granted.  I will still mark every milestone with excitement and wonder and I will still write about everything I experience.  I am even more exited to deliver this time since I know what an amazing experience it was the first time around.  I wondered if I would ever get the chance to do this again.

Jamie and I went to Memphis for a wedding this past weekend.  We went up a few days early and spent a couple of days together, just the two of us.  It was so nice.  I had wanted to visit Memphis for years.  I would often ask Jamie if we could go on a road trip to Memphis to enjoy some of the Barbecue restaurants we see often on The Food Network and The Travel Channel.  We finally made it...and barbecue makes me nauseous.  Like, it was all I could do to sit in the restaurant with Jamie while he ate.  I had a Greek salad at the first barbecue restaurant, ordered a house salad at the second (the next night) and was so sick I couldn't eat it and when Jamie picked up barbecue at the third restaurant I stayed in the car.  I finally made it to Memphis and couldn't eat barbecue.  I experienced the same exact thing when I was pregnant with Maddie, I couldn't stand meat or anything smoked or grilled.  Of course, we now think we are having a second girl because of my identical symptoms.

I would love a boy or a girl by the way.  Two girls would be so fun and a boy would be a fun change of pace.  I still maintain that he is destined to make little girls and to be surrounded by girls as he is great with his niece, sisters and his many gal pals.

I downloaded a baby name app.  Jamie and I could only agree on ONE name out of thousands for the last baby.  I figure I may as well get started early this go around.  I marked a few names as possibilities and Jamie nixed everyone of them on our drive home from Memphis.  This is going to be painful!!!  We did decide on a temporary name for the new baby.  Ducky.  Yep.  Ducky.  We spent our weekend at The Peabody Hotel where ducks swim in the fountain of the lobby.  We missed Maddie terribly when we saw the ducks and we sent her pictures and videos.  I told Jamie we needed a nick name and he said "I think we should name it Ducky.  We were just at the Peabody, Maddie loves ducks  It should be Ducky."  I said "awe, I like that" and that's how Ducky came to be.

Hit and Run

5/22/12

I was on my way to work yesterday morning when my car was hit by a car going around 35 mph.  He hit my passenger side bumper as I turned onto a one way street, he then fish tailed into the side of my car and pushed me onto a curb and into a concrete trash can. I didn't see him coming.  I knew I was in an accident only when I heard the loud crash and realized I had no control over my vehicle and was being pushed onto a curb.  I remember watching the concrete trash can approach quickly and scanning for poles.

The driver sped off.

A nice gentleman who heard the accident while in a parking lot called the police while I signaled another gentleman that was behind me in a car to follow the driver that sped off.  The driver of the hit and run vehicle went the wrong way down a one way street and escaped the guy following him.  That guy returned.

I was shaken.  I was cramping everywhere that my seat belt was restraining me including my abdomen where my precious baby was.  Sharp pains were shooting from side to side and from the center of my belly.  This is when I started sobbing.  My phone hit the windshield and was dead.  I felt so alone as I tried to get my car charger to let me operate my phone somehow, someway.  The fire department came and then the paramedics.  The police finally showed up and didn't want to take a report since there was only one car.  The paramedics challenged him and he finally and reluctantly did.  The police officer was mean to me, telling me he couldn't hear me and to speak up.  I was just happy to be making sentences since I was so frazzled.  He didn't speak to either witness and left before I did.

I borrowed the phone of one of the guys and called my husband who came down and took care of towing my car.  I thanked to the two gentleman that stayed to make sure I was okay and walked to the Ambulance.  I was admitted to the Trauma part of a nearby hospital where my RE is located because the ER was full.  This was my first and hopefully last time in Trauma.  I was in that room for a total of three hours and had one stomach ultrasound which was pointless because it showed nothing but a gestational sack. My husband arrived at the hospital during this ultrasound.  After the ultrasound  I asked if I could have a cracker around 10:00 since I hadn't had breakfast and was feeling nausea from pregnancy and was told I could have medicine to make the nausea go away.  I tried explaining that a cracker would do it but I got medicine in my IV.  Then I sat for an hour while I had to pee.  I had to pee for an hour and finally had my husband hit the call button.  The nurse answered and I told her.  No one ever came to let me pee.  So, finally, at the hour and a half point...I got up grabbed a urine jug out of a cabinet and pee'd standing in the corner of the Trauma room with my husband standing guard over the curtain and laughing at me.

I hopped back in bed and laid for another half hour and then a patient was wheeled into the room with me.  She was elderly and had liver failure and kidney failure.  She was swollen and unresponsive with tubes coming and going from every orifice.  I laid idly by just 5 feet away while she had x-rays, heart scans, etc.  I saw just her swollen toes at one point and they reminded me of Maddie's.  My sweet sixteen month old's toes so fresh and new looked like they had aged 85 years and I cried.  It hit me, I was in the Trauma ward with people that were over dosing and dying of complications with my 7 week old fetus in my belly.  New life and old life in the same room.  A life coming and a life going.  I prayed that God would take this lady as I listened to her grunt in pain and heard the nurses talk about how she only had a Granddaughter listed as next of kin.

I looked at my husband and bawled.  We were both beside ourselves.  We were in the wrong place.  An hour after Sandra checked in next to me we were moved into the hallway.  We waited there for a private ER room where an ultrasound could be performed trans vaginally.  We were surrounded by crackheads.  One vomited lying on a gurney while being wheeled down the hall.  Jamie moved away from her as she choked and gagged into a bucket staring right at me.  It was the worst feeling.  I wanted to be discharged before I even got to my ultrasound.  Jamie actually asked a nurse if we could be.  They realized we had waited a long time and got us into a room where I got an ultrasound and there was the beautiful heartbeat at 120 bpm, 25 b's pm faster than it was last Thursday.  Jamie and I both breathed audible sighs of relief.  We were so happy but will never go back to that hospital.

We went for lunch at 2:00 where I ate enough for breakfast and dinner.  We then went to get my rental car and then home for a nap.  Jamie woke me up at 4:30 to tell me he got news that my car was totaled.  We're looking for a new car now, unfortunately, because I loved my car and we had just paid off both cars.

Anyway, I am healthy and so is baby and I couldn't be happier despite losing a car.

First Ultrasound - 6 weeks

5/18/12

Well, I will start this post like I have started the last few....I was so nervous for this ultrasound.  I guess I just still don't believe this body made a baby the way babies were intended to be made.  Jamie met me at the RE's office and I sat in that familiar ultrasound chair where I had sat to watch my follicles grow two years ago and the chair I sat in when I first saw Madelyn for the first time.  She looked just like the picture below. It's the chair I learned I would be a Mommy for the first time.  It's the chair Jamie stood next to when he learned he would be a Daddy.  We held hands just like we did the first time.  Once the baby was found it was a sweet relief and guess what...there was a heart beat!  It was beating at 95 beats per minute which they did say was slow and worries me.  But they also said that hearts tend to beat slower the smaller the baby is. So I will trust that all is okay with the heart.

There were some questions about whether I had been experiencing cramping or bleeding.  I didn't think much of it until the Ultrasound Tech said there was a sack of blood.  Can you see that area to the top right of the gestational sack?  There is the black area, a ring around the black area and then at the top right of that out ring, there is a blob about 1/3 the size of the sack.  That is a pocket of blood.  I had this when I was pregnant with Madelyn.  It is due to RH factor and last time I had to receive an injection early in my pregnancy to help the baby.  I had an injection this time too.

We met with the Doctor next.  She ordered the rogam shot and a urine test because I had a bladder infection last visit and she wanted to make sure it was cleared up.  I don't know why but I just a vibe that she had concerns even though she wasn't necessarily saying it.  I asked if she had concerns and she said she was cautiously optimistic.  My husband had just muttered the same words before the Doctor came in.  I hate those words, I have to tell you.  I have this sinking feeling ever since the ultrasound.  I am scared that the blood sack will present problems this time where it didn't last time.  It looks identical to the one with Madelyn so I should be more worried, I guess I am just waiting for something to go wrong.  It's going to smooth, it's going too easy-it's been too normal.  When will my world crumble?  I hate speaking that way but that's what is in my gut.

We have another ultrasound in two weeks to check progress.  I will be just as scared for that one as I was for this one.  The enjoyment at ultrasounds didn't start last time until our twelfth week ultrasound with our regular OB, I'm so ready for that.

We are headed to Memphis for a wedding on Memorial Day weekend.  I'm looking forward to getting away!

Beta #2 - 20 dpo

5/12/12

I was just as nervous this time around for my beta results as I was last time.  The call came early which was a nice surprise.  Usually, the closer it gets to 1:00 (when they say they will call) the more nervous I get.  So, 11:30 was a welcomed treat.  I was taking furniture inventory at my work.  The one day I decide to wear heals is the one day I have to walk 40,000 square feet.  My feet were swollen and I have blisters, still.

Anyway, the nurse, Amy, called and said she had good news.  She said my beta was wonderful.  It was 2326. Then she congratulated me and told me the Doctor's administrative assistant would be calling to schedule my first ultrasound.

A couple of hours later I received the call from Sandy who congratulated me and gave me appointment options.  Our ultrasound is Thursday at 2:00 and our appointment with the Doctor is at 2:15.  We should be able to see a sack and a fetal pole if all goes well.  I will be just as nervous then as I was for the betas.

If we make it past the first ultrasound we can schedule our next ultrasound to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks, I believe.  This would be an amazing and well timed treat as we leave the following morning for a wedding in Memphis and will have plenty of time to celebrate.  I don't want to think of the alternative so I am not.

Mother's day is in a couple of days and this is my second one.  Mother's Day means more to me than Christmas.  It's my favorite holiday of the year.  I am going shopping tomorrow to find a charm to represent this past year with Madelyn.  I started the tradition last year of getting her a charm for every Mother's Day because I celebrate her on that special day for making me a Mother.  Without her I wouldn't be a Mother.  Maddie and I spent a very special day together today.  She is getting to be so much fun now that she walks! We woke up, had breakfast and went to a nearby park that has horses.  It's very cool and has amazing landscaped grounds.  I always stop at the bench below to take a picture.  She is looking up at the trees.  She knows what trees are now and loves to look and point and say "tree" or her version of "tree" anyway.  I took some pictures, and took her to see the horses which she absolutely LOVED.  I have many pictures of her pointing.  We stopped at Target afterwards for no reason at all really.  Came home for a nap and then walked to B&N bookstore where we purchase.  I suppose I am having some odd cravings as we had Guacamole, Chips and Pizza for dinner.  My husband asked twice what we were having over the phone.  To his credit, he ate it!

I haven't felt sick so far at all.  Nothing.  It seems too good to be true.  My appetite is ummm...healthy, shall we say?  I am constantly eating to satisfy cravings but nothing tastes as good as I hope it will so I move on to something else.  I have also had a high burst of energy.  I am typing this at 3:30 AM.  I haven't been able to sleep and have been nesting, yes, nesting at 5 weeks post ovulation.  WTF?  I don't get it.  No sleep and endless energy.

Beta #1 - 14dpo

5/6/12

I was so nervous waiting for my first beta result.  Thankfully it was office clean-up day at work so I was able to keep busy until 12:30 when the nurse called.  My beta was 126 which she said is very good.  The doctor likes to see anything over 100.  I had been concerned when she said the number.  My beta at 14 dpo after ivf was 291.  I was expecting something around that number so when I heard 126 my eyes welled up in fear.

I hung up and called my husband with the news and we both breathed a sigh of relief.   We are both afraid to be happy about this but I remember telling him last time..."we need to celebrate each little milestone even though we are scared.  If we don't, we may look back and realize we have missed out on a large portion of time we should have been happy."   So, that's what we are doing.  We are celebrating the 126 and anxiously waiting for Wednesday when I will have my next beta.  

We did get Maddie a "Big Sister" shirt this weekend because we found it for under $5 at the G.A.P.  If all were to go well we would have family over for Jamie's birthday June 19ish and have Maddie dressed in her shirt to share the news with everyone.  

A lot more to tackle before June 19th though.  One day at a time, one test at a time, one ultrasound at a time.  

Thank you all for your sweet comments.  They helped me so much while waiting for the call on Thursday.

Scared for my beta results

5/3/12

I feel like my life is hanging on the line.  I gave blood this morning.  I am terrified and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I remember this feeling.  Last time, I gave the nurse Jamie's number and told her to call him because I was so nervous.  He is swamped at work right now so I will be taking the call.  This is huge to me.  I want this so much.  It feels too good to be true.

Holy Sh!t, Holy Sh!t

4/30/12

Things like this just don't happen to me.  I am rarely lucky but always hoping.  This cycle has been so different from my last cycle on clomid that I just kept faith that it was a good sign.  I kept faith that opposite symptoms meant an opposite outcome this cycle.  I had high hopes and I kept them to myself, I didn't even tell my husband.  I've always been the dreamer and he has always been the realist.  I can't explain it but I had this "feeling" this cycle and I have felt calm and positive for the most part.  Having no symptoms was driving me crazy but it was reassuring in some strange way.  Last cycle my calendar was covered in ink.  I jotted down every symptom and I had every symptom from nausea to twinges.  This cycle my calendar was empty.  I was extremely tired but I chalked it up to being lazy.  It was a different kind of tired though, I NEEDED naps and almost felt I couldn't function without one..  I was taking TWO LONG naps a day on weekends and one nap per day on weekdays.

One thing that kept my hopes up was this chart...none of the symptoms I was experiencing last cycle were on this chart but this cycle I was experiencing the fatigue the most which had the highest percentage along with very few twinges and pressure in my center abdomen and I did have gas...I never have gas.  I just knew something was different.  The other thing that kept me positive was that I had done a few things differently this go round.  I continued with pre-seed as we had used the first cycle, but we tried a new position while baby dancing two nights and I also took baby asprin and drank green tea after ovulation a few times.  My hopes were that these things were good.

I felt nothing but tired for the first 9 days post ovulation and would read the BFP boards on sites where women stated their symptoms and took comfort in reading that a few of the ladies didn't experience any symptoms for 9 or 10 days.  I kept telling myself not to freak out because I wasn't experiencing symptoms and to give myself a ten day grace period before getting down in the dumps.  Sunday (yesterday) was day ten and I woke up and took a pregnancy test.  I didn't see a line but held it at a few angles in the light of the bathroom while my husband slept and I could make out the faintest trace of a second line.  A line that was so faint it could never be photographed and a line that 9 out of 10 people would not see - but I saw it.  It was so light that I wondered if I was just making out the line that would be there if I was pregant and a line I wasn't even supposed to see.  I decided not to tell my husband because last time he didn't believe the test was positive until both lines were the exact same shade.

So I kept this little secret all to myself yesterday.  It was so hard.  I wanted to tell someone but I didn't.  I felt I would jinx it as silly as it sounds.  Jamie has also been working really hard and I didn't want to stress him out with a faint line.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I was half nervous and half excited.  I was really buying into the thought that I was pregnant.  I was calculating the due date and trying to figure out when my beta was.  All over the slightest trace of a line.  I kept catching myself and thinking I was crazy to be doing things that only a positive pregnancy test should make someone do.  I couldn't sleep.  I was anticipating morning so much so that I couldn't keep my mind from spinning. 

This morning I woke up, took my temperature and grabbed my last pregnancy test.  The second line was darker.  I couldn't believe it.  I was going to get to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test like normal people do.  He would be surprised too, as he knew I had no symptoms.  I thought about waiting until Friday to surprise him.  I thought that way I would hopefully have taken and received beta results and could share even more positive news with him.  I thought about taking him to the restaurant we celebrated at the first time we found out we were pregnant...but I knew I had to tell him, he's my best friend and the father!  So I got dressed, got Madelyn dressed and while J fed Maddie breakfast I ran round the house like a crazy woman preparing a surprise.  I grabbed a bracelet jewelry box, wrote "Mommy is pregnant" on the inside with the positive test, tied a bow around it and wrote "Daddy" on the box.  I was so nervous I would be caught!  I came downstairs, put it in Maddie's high chair and she picked it up and said something (not sure).  I secretly had my phone in the corner video taping the whole thing too!  Maddie was great, she just held the box up and looked at me and J as if she knew it was something special.   I asked Maddie what she had, and said "oh, is that for da-da?"  and told Jamie Maddie had a gift for him.  I handed it to him, he unwrapped the bow and paused.  It hit him.  He knew exactly what it was before he opened it and he and I locked eyes.  I couldn't help but smile and giggle.  He kept searching my face for confirmation.  I just kept smiling and kissng Maddie.  He opened it and all he said for a while was "Holy shit...Holy shit" as he leaned on the counter for support.  He confided in me later that he thought we could have done it every day for the rest of our lives, tried the highest dosage of medicine and any position we could think of and would never have conceived a child on our own.  I really don't think he ever gave the thought of us getting pregnant with clomid a second thought.  The best part was him hugging Maddie and I and him asking Maddie if she was ready to be a big sister. 

(Please ignore the remnants of breakfast on our counter tops.)

Clomid

4/25/12


Ok, so it's 6dpo and unlike last cycle in which I experienced every possible symptom during my two week wait and got a BFN this cycle I have experienced NOTHING.  Not one single symptom unless you count my itchy boobs this morning.  How does that work?  What am I supposed to make of this?  CLOMID WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME I TELL YOU!

I am so confused.

Life and WTF appointment

4/17/12

Jamie and I went to see the RE last Thursday.  I made an appointment because I had questions and wanted to plan ahead.  We are in the beginning of a clomid cycle, I just wanted some answers and wanted to consult my Doctor instead of Google.  The best part of the appointment by far was introducing Dr. K to Madelyn.  Dr. K was the one that placed Maddie in my womb and it was neat to introduce the two of them.  It was a full circle moment that I feel fortunate to have experienced.  We are so grateful for her.

I first asked Dr. K if she thought that diet mattered when it came to my current cycle.  I explained that I didn't ovulate for one year after Maddie was born until I started the low amylose diet.  (Well, I should say that I got a positive ovulation test, I am not sure I ovulated)  The following cycle I started clomid on the low amylose diet and also had a positive ovulation test and then had a progesterone level of 14.4 which Dr. K was pleased with.  This cycle I have decided not to remain on the low amylose diet.  She didn't think diet mattered and said that studies haven't really indicated a strong indication in either direction.  I should ovulate in the next two to four days if this cycle of clomid is successful.  We shall see.

I next asked Dr. K how many cycles we can try of clomid before moving on.  She said six.  We are on our second.  This helped J and I plan ahead.  I wanted to know how many more months we could try clomid before alternate methods could be tried.  She said we could try IUI but wouldn't recommend IUI with injectibles.  So we are thinking we will see how I respond to this cycle off the diet.  If I don't ovulate or my progesterone level is not as high this cycle, I will go back on the diet for the next four rounds of clomid and possibly one or two IUI's.

What I keep trying not to focus on is the IVF (not the light) at the end of the tunnel.  It's like a long hallway with four doors that say "clomid", two doors that say "IUI" and one big set of double doors at the end of the hallway that say "IVF"  We have six doors to open before we get to IVF and those IVF doors are so intimidating with the memories of all we went through for our last IVF.

She reviewed our egg quality, sperm quality and embryo's last IVF and was pleased with the way things looked.  She said that only 20% of people get to freeze embryos.  I didn't realize that and am so glad to know that because I feared that my egg quality was so bad.  Jamie's sperm count looks great she doesn't see any reason we wouldn't have a successful IVF this time.  Just typing that sends pictures of injections, calendars, ultrasounds, water jugs and bed rest through my head.  Of course I would do it for a chance at giving Maddie a sibling but wow, what a journey it was and would be.

I feel like J and I can plan moneywise now.  There are a couple of things we would like to do to our home that we put off for our last IVF that I would still like to do.  Our master bathroom is in need of expansion and updating and I would love to finish our basement.  Unfortunately, it's a baby or home renovation...not both.  It would be so great to get a baby "for free" and be able to do our basement and/or master bathroom.

J and I are going for a different tactic this time with TTC on clomid.  I was watching the Today show a couple of years ago and heard a TV personality talking about having problems TTC and finding success when her friend told her to BD ten nights in a row.  The "ten nights in a row method" I believe it's referred to.  J and I are trying that this time mainly because we have tried "every other night" in the past while waiting for ovulation and we always seem to miss the night before I get a positive test.  So this time, we aren't taking any chances!  It's been three nights in a row.  Holy Cow, seven more nights?  Whoa.

I have decided to tag a lot of clothes that were given to me when Maddie was born for a Mom's resale event to keep myself busy this two week wait (provided I have one).  It sure takes a lot to tag almost 200 items.    I need to print tags for each item, attach the tag with a tagging gun, hang each item on a hanger and organize by size then deliver to the sale location in late May.  I will feel good when I get all of this done and I will be keeping myself busy and that means not having as much free time to google on my phone.  I tell you that's the worst part of the TWW for me.  I google every single symptom I have.  It's a new approach this time.  When I finish tagging these items I plan to make felt magnetic letters for the refrigerator.  They are so cute and will keep my mind and my hands busy as I watch TV at night.  I'm slightly (okay, a lot) obsessed with these.

Down

3/29/12

As many times as I have tried to conceive I don't remember a cycle where I felt this way.  Apparently 150 mg of clomid takes a toll on you emotionally.  I feel low, lower than low.  After one cycle I feel defeated and so fragile.  It's harder than I thought it would be to balance the stress of marriage, work and motherhood with infertility.  I am really struggling the past few days and wonder if I can go through with another round of this.

I am generally a pretty laid back person and don't like making waves in my marriage, family or work life.  I can best equate my current personality to a raging bull.  I have let my husband know more than a couple of times in the last two weeks exactly what I think of him - the most recent being this morning.  These are things I have felt for a while and would normall just internalize but this clomid gives me infertile courage.  I get really pissed off and tell it like it is.  My husband did nothing to help get Maddie ready this morning and I laid into him about it.  I let him have it on Monday when I got in my car to head to work at 7:00 AM and there was absolutely no gas for me to get to work and he was the last to drive my car.  I found out yesterday that my brother plans to name his baby boy that is due in a couple of months after our Grandfather.  He is using my Grandfather's middle name,West, which I had told him I had plans on doing a couple of years ago.  I still remember his response when I told him this "Ahhhh, that's a good idea".  (My brother didn't know my Grandfather's middle name).  I told him right at that moment, if you take that I will be pissed.  My Mom told me his intentions last night and I went BAT SHIT CRAZY.  I, with my infertile courage, texted him and told him that I need to talk to him in person sooner rather than later.  He is coming over at 2:30 and I anticipate that it won't be pretty.  He has no idea what I want to talk to him about but I know I will most likely scream and cry simultaneously.  I'm not close to my brother as I don't think we have similar values or morals in general but I plan on letting him know that if he plans on driving a wedge further between us then go right ahead and use the name West.  I will hold it against him for A LONG time.

One month of treatment and I am a wreck.  I am stressed.  I am sad.  I am not myself.  I feel out of sorts, confused by myself, lost and hopeless.  I honestly question whether or not I can go through another cycle like this.  I've never had PMS, I guess because I never ovulate therefore I never have progesterone in my body.  I don't know how women do it.  The progesterone plus the clomid is about to kill me mentally and spiritually.  I never thought I would feel more broken and hopeless trying for my second child than for my first.  How is it possible?

Clarity

3/28/12

After writing my last post I felt silly when I thought about what I had written.  My hopes were really high because of the various symptoms I had experienced.  I woke up in the middle of the night Monday night and a voice said inside my head said "you aren't pregnant".  It was that simple.  It was a defining moment of clarity where all of the symptoms I had been feeling were weighed logically with my brain instead of my heart.  All of those symptoms that my heart clung desperately to were chalked up to mere side effects of progesterone and clomid and nothing more when my brain assessed the situation. This tww has been more difficult than any other than I can remember.  Maybe because I have had more symptoms than other tww's to obsess over?
I still continue to have the symptoms but I haven't tested since Monday.  I was telling my husband all of this and he seemed sad that I had given up this cycle and sad that I was chalking it up to a loss.  For the first time, he was speaking hopeful and optimistic on the other end of the phone where normally he is the realist and I am the optimist.  It was I saying, "yeah, but..."

I was searching google every different way imaginable to make sense of what I was feeling when I read something that put everything I was feeling in perspective.  In the fifteen months we have been trying for baby #2 I have only ovulated twice.  Once last cycle on my own after starting the Low Amylose Diet and again this cycle on clomid.  I was tested for progesterone Friday and had a 14.4 seven days post ovulation.  While researching this I came across a website saying how progesterone only occurs after ovulation and when women don't ovulate regularly they can have a lot of side effects from the progesterone which were similar to what I was feeling - mood swings especially.  All of the other side effects I have been feeling are common side effects with clomid.  In the middle of the night that night, it all came together and it hit me.  I am not pregnant.

When I told my husband about my BFN Sunday morning he later said to me"Well, your Doctor said you only had a 25 % chance this month if you ovulated.  That's not a lot." (He was trying to be helpful)  I said "Yes, but I look at that 25% and say Wow, we have a 25% chance this month just like normal couples!"  This illustrates our normal outlook when it comes to everything.  This "thinking with my brain stuff" isn't like me at all and of course it would be awesome to be proved wrong this month but I think I have FINALLY realized that thinking with my brain instead of my heart might just protect me from getting hurt.  It's like at 10 DPO my heart just shut down.  I can't explain it.

9 dpo

3/26/12


It's cycle day 26 and I am 9 dpo.  This means for 9 long days I have over analyzed every thing going on in and around my belly.  I have been stalking tww boards like CAH-RAY-ZEE.  I have been comparing this cycles tww symptoms to my tww during my pregnancy.
I have never had this many symptoms after ovulation.  I took a pregnancy test yesterday and this morning and they were obviously both BFN's.  I knew it was early but I am driving my self crazy and I was taking the test to try and confirm all of the things I have been feeling.  Thinking maybe, just maybe I would get a BFP and then I could relax and stop over analyzing.
I had my progesterone checked Friday and it was 14.4 which the nurse said meant that I had a healthy ovulation.  That's great as I haven't ovulated on clomid in other cycles in the past and I have now only ovulated twice in the last 15 months.

My symptoms in the last nine days (by memory) are :
(I will update them by day when I get home)

• cramping most days
• tight cramping in center, middle of the night, 7 dpo
• sharp pains in each ovary first few days after o
• hungrier more in general
• craving pepporoni pizza constantly - for the last 8 days I have eaten so much pepporoni pizza my husband made mention of it telling me it scares him
• craving chocolate shakes, fries, burgers
• Eat a full dinner and am starving while laying in bed, forcing myself to stay in bed and not go downstairs to the kitchen
• bad mood/extremely irritable for at least the last three days.  I am usually so laid back but I lost my patience at Lowe.s on Saturday and this morning...not just a little - A LOT.  Currently miffed at J.
• Emotional (just a little bit-did cry at Lowe.s)
• Waking up with upset stomach or getting upset stomach regularly
• Soft Stools for 4 days now (very reminisent of first pregnancy)
• Can't sleep but exhausted constantly
• Night sweats - bad at 10dpo (last night)
• Vivid, strange, memorable dreams nightly
• Waking up early each morning
• extremely light nausea at times and bad nausea late one night
• peeing more often and when I have to pee I have to go RIGHT THEN.

Previous Pregnancy 2WW Symptoms -

If I was honest I would say...

3/20/12


If I was honest I would say -

• I've got my hopes up for this cycle just like I have every other cycle.  You would think I would have learned by now.  You would think that my past experiences would have taught me better. 
• I'm overanalyzing everything my body is doing from my armpits to my thighs. 
• I daydream about my progesterone bloodwork on Friday being a beautiful number and the nurses voice beaming with excitement when she calls to tell me that beautiful number and then I think more realistic. 
• My house is far behind and less clean than I wish it would be.  I would be embarassed if anyone saw the laundry sorted in the floor of my walk-in closet. 
• My house being in this state makes me feel like I can't handle one child let alone a second. 
• I would say "Amber, why are you trying for baby #2 when you are obviously not handling baby #1 as well as you hoped or would like to?" 
• I would answer back "because I want Maddie to have a sibling and it pains me to think of her growing up alone". 
• I would say that seeing all of my friends, co-workers and family members pregnant with their second child makes me feel pressured to get pregnant with mine.
• I would say that turning 35 in a few months makes me feel pressured
• I would say that I still get envious and mad inside at how some people can get pregnant so easily. 
• I would tell you that I cried the day my brother announced he was having a second child.
• I would say that I loved being pregnant so much that I hope I get to experience it again once more
• I would tell you that I cried at my post partum OB appointment because I feared I would never be back to my OB regarding a baby
• I would tell you that I get scared at the thought of going through IVF again and hope so much that I don't have to.
• I would equate IVF to gambling with our finances and dreams with less than 50/50 odds and money that could 100% go into Maddie's college fund instead of IVF if we were so lucky.
• I would tell you that my husband told me that my neighbor who had twins through IUI is undergoing treatment to get pregnant again and for some stupid reason it feels like a race between us, completely in my head. 
• I would tell you that I am so scared she will get pregnant and I will have to watch her belly grow while I am struggling through infertility.
• I would tell you that infertility makes me feel inferior in so many ways
• I would tell you that I feel my husband is working more than ever and is more motivated than ever at work while I feel completely unmotivated
• I would tell you that my husband is working 3-4 jobs right now and part of me wonders if it's because he is fears/stresses that IVF is in our future.
• I would tell you that I miss my husband, even when he is home he is working
• I am scared and excited about my future at the same time

If I was honest I would say... that I am living the dream I wanted so desperately two years ago despite everything else.

Eureka!

3/19/12


Eureka!  We struck gold!  Or it feels like we did.  I actually had a surge!  I got the happy face on my digital opk Friday.  CD 16.  Of course we had been BD'ing every other night starting on day 10 but the night before I ovulated I was so tired I asked J if we could wait until the morning, he was tired too.  When I got the positive test Friday morning I was bummed because our BD'ing would have been perfect had we just BD'd the night before we struck gold.  So we BD'd that morning and that night as well as the next night.  It seems like there is always one thing I wished I would have done differently each cycle and wish so badly I could go back and change.  This time it was not BD'ing the night before I surged.

So, we are officially in the TWW.  I am of course already over analyzing everything.  In the middle of the night I felt 3 twinges on my left ovary or what I think is my left ovary which was probably my intestine or something.  I felt it once more in the same area this morning when I was making Maddie breakfast.  I'm sick right now with some terrible bug that makes my throat feel like a cat slid down it with it's nails curled .  My voice is nearly gone too.  The house is far behind.  Laundry is far behind - but I spent some amazing quality time with my girl this weekend.  That's what it's all about.

Waiting for the cute little egg symbol

3/12/12

After Maddie was born a nurse was discharging us from the hospital and gave me strict instructions to get on birth control ASAP and to be very careful until then when having intercourse because it would be extremely easy to get pregnant the first few months after having a baby.  My husband and I of course were grateful for the insight and I did what any good infertile would do and started monitoring my cycles to try and get pregnant again.  Six weeks after having a baby and my very first cycle after having Madelyn I was back in the baby making game.  I gave myself one year before going back to the RE.  I was back in the RE's office 11 months after Maddie was born.  I didn't ovulate once in the 10 months after she was born.

We had purchased a CBE Fertility Monitor in this time span and it grew old testing for 20 days each cycle and never seeing the cute little egg symbol indicating I was ovulating.  Then shelling out more money to buy more sticks for what seemed like a lost cause.

When discussing baby #2 with the RE she recommended we go right back to IVF since it worked last time.  I wasn't quite ready to go back to IVF and told her I would like to ease our way back into this game if that would be okay.  She wrote me a scrip for Metformin and clomid and I was on my way.  I got home and started googling.  I googled and googled and decided that I was going to start the low amylose diet even though my RE said nothing about my weight.  I decided I was also going to get on metformin for three months before I started the clomid.  My first month on the diet I saw that cute little egg symbol indicating I ovulated.  I couldn't believe it.  It may as well have been a positive pregnancy test.  I was ecstatic!  I jumped up and down and ran downstairs to tell J.  He said "what does that mean?", "Does that mean you need me?".  "YES!"  I shouted and ran back upstairs.

We didn't get pregnant that cycle and I am onto the next cycle and my first round of clomid.  I have hung in there with the diet.  I have lost 20 pounds since I started the low amylose diet two months ago and 30 pounds since I started dieting after baby (6 months ago) putting me at my lowest weight in 8-9 years.  I'm feeling good and I am feeling positive about this cycle but underneath all of those good feelings are the real feelings that loom as an infertile.  Odds are that it's not going to work.  I hate that.

I want to put this out there too.  Trying sucks when you feel you are trying for a lost cause.  It was fun in the beginning.  I remember thinking "any day now it will happen" (this was days after we were married). We knew so little about how all of this worked but ignorance was bliss.  Now...there is no romance.  There is no passion.  There is no feeling.  It's mindless and robotic.  It's so mathematical, calculated and planned.  It's like a chore and that makes me sad.

Back in the Saddle?

11/29/11

I took a step towards baby #2 today.  I contacted Dr. Keller's office and booked an appointment for December 12.  I love, love, love my daughter but I desperately want a sibling for her and feel our family will be complete with one more child. 

Jamie and I have been trying since just two months after Maddie was born.  Eight months later and one ovulation prediction monitor purchase later, there is no evidence of ovulation.  My brother and sister-in-law have announced they are expecting again and so is one of my friends.  I have baby fever, I won't deny it. 

I told Jamie, I'm happy with Maddie but it doesn't mean that I don't love and enjoy her so much I want another one.

We'll see.  I'm eager and nervous to start the process over again.