20 weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a:
Banana  6.5 inches, 10.6 ounces

How far along? 
20 weeks 

Total weight gain/loss: 
10 pounds gained (eek!)

Maternity clothes? 

I'm in the big leagues now.  Shirts, pants, the whole shebang!  I have started noticing the my shoes are tighter...ugh!   

Sleep: 
Not going so well.  I have to eat a bagel or something heavy before bed or I get hungry in the middle of the night.  It really annoys me when I wake up hungry because I don't want to get up!  I have also started the wonderful habit of being awake or tossing and turning for 2-3 hours each night.

Best moment this week: 
Finding out you are progressing perfectly in my belly and finding out we are having a girl!  We brought Madelyn with us to the ultrasound and it was exciting to know your sister was there when we found out what gender you were.

Waiting to see if I am going to have a little brother or a little sister!

 Movement:  

I haven't been feeling as big of movements now but I do feel you a few times a day.  It's so neat to be at work and working on a project when I get a reminder you are in there.

Food cravings: 
Ummm...chocolate chip cookies.  These are a regular on the shopping list now.  Daddy even knows to get chocolate chip cookies and he has been indulging too!  I like the kind that you bake and we go through 1-2 packs of these a week!  

Symptoms: 
Honestly, besides being tired, I am really feeling terrific even with the lack of sleep.

Dr. Appts:
Aug 17th we found out you were a girl.  My next appointment I have a glucose test, I'm a little afraid for this one with all of the cookies I eat!

 Gender: 

I was a little  really shocked to find out your were a girl but I am looking forward to you joining our family.  I'm looking forward to having another best friend and daughter.  I want you and your sister to grow up loving and respecting each other.  You will always be each others closest and best friend.

Labor Signs:   
Nothing

Belly Button in or out? 
Still getting bigger!  Maddie still loves sticking her finger in it and she sticks it in so deep I scream sometimes!  I have always been funny about people touching my belly button (your Daddy does it to get a rise out of me) but I let you because you just discovered belly buttons and each night when we are reading you love to lift my shirt and see my belly button.  It's so cute, I can't resist!

Feeling toward Pregnancy: 
I feel thankful to be pregnant during everything that is going on with Daddy's job.  I was scared to be pregnant with Daddy's job "on the line" at first but am feeling so grateful to have you growing and thriving in my belly when all else is uncertain.

What I miss: 
Nothing.  Life is hard right now but this is all happening for a reason.  I know great things are coming our way.

What I am looking forward to: 
Watching sisters grow up together.  We went out to celebrate that you are having a little sister the night of the ultrasound.  We picked Daddy up from work and went to the park which you love to do these days.

Milestones: 

20 weeks!  Half way.

I love you Ducky. - Mama

Life...right now.

Life right now is ummm, well, different.  I am twenty weeks pregnant this week-with a second girl.  My husband's job is still hanging in limbo with uncomfortable uncertainty.  I have a 19 month old that is learning that she has a say in day to day activities.  I haven't talked to my Mother in over a month and I haven't talked to my brother in six months.

This is my second pregnancy without my Mother.  While it's heartbreaking to think that I don't have a Mother during a time in life when a girl needs her Mother...I'm dealing.  My Mother and I are better apart.  I miss having a Mother, but I don't miss not having my Mother.  When I think of how much I wish I had a Mother during this time of pregnancy and uncertainty with my husband's job, I must remind myself that she would not be helpful-someone else's Mother would be, not mine.  The hole in my heart will remain even though my head knows better.

Life at home is different as I stated earlier.  I am getting used to living like every dollar is ten dollars.  I don't go out and buy things freely anymore.  I used to think up a crafty project or something I want Maddie to have and go get it.  Now, I have blocked all of those things from my head.  I buy groceries and second hand clothes (which I have always done) for Maddie's fall wardrobe and we entertain ourselves doing free things around town for the most part.  We've been to many parks, had many picnics and we've been to the zoo  which are all free.  I feel our family bonding is better than ever although our futures are more uncertain than ever.  I have food cravings as a pregnant lady that I must try to resist now because mostly I crave restaurant food.

Speaking of pregnancy, we found out Friday the 17th that we are having another girl.  My husband and I are both shocked to say the least, but shocked in a good way.  I had thought it was a boy because the kicks were so hard and so different than Maddie.  I guess I just never thought about he possibility of two girls.  It has settled in and I am bonding with this sweet little girl in my tummy.  It's hard to picture her looking anything different than her beautiful sister does.  I always wanted a sister and I feel a sister is the greatest gift I could give Madelyn.  My mission has adjusted some.  I wanted to raise one well rounded and intelligent girl and now that applies to two girls.  I have also given myself the task of making sure these girls grow up to love and respect each other.  Something my brother and I have never done.  I know they will have their arguments and their low points but I want love and respect to be underlying in their relationship.  This will be my mission well until they are in adulthood if that is how long it takes.

Life as a Mother and wife is difficult right now.  There isn't a lot of room for romance, nor is there time for relaxing.  After Maddie goes to bed we look for jobs and Jamie applies to the ones we find.  It just hit me how hard this is.  I am having a difficult time walking the line between a concerned Mother/wife where my fear is easily detected and a strong Mother/wife that holds everything and everyone together.  I haven't had practice at this and I think the fact that I have a little baby fluttering around in my tummy makes it all the more difficult.  I'm trying to do what I can to hold our house together laundry wise, meal wise, cleaning wise, etc. but let's face it...I am lacking energy and sometimes I just don't feel I am doing my part.  I don't feel I am doing my part in the romance department either.  Before this weekend I think it had been well over two months before J and I had any type of intimate time together.  It's actually been on the forefront of my mind on a daily basis but with my energy level lacking thinking about it and feeling guilty about it are as far as I get.  

I'm starting to get to the point in pregnancy where I am feeling really frumpy and unattractive and like I will be like this forever.  I'm dreading the fact that having a baby the first time changed my lady parts and I'm heading for round two.  I'm expecting my lady parts to be completely unrecognizable after this.

I'm missing my anti-depressant pills.  If you haven't noticed yet it's incredibly hard to be positive these days.  My girls are the brightest spots in my life right now and I put on a good show for Maddie who, of course, knows nothing.  I'm looking forward to getting back on them as soon as baby #2 is out.

I'm going to try and write here more to clear my head.  I realize it's the closest thing I have to an anti-depressant pill and the closest thing I have to therapy in this difficult time.

18 weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a:
Sweet Potato 5.6- 6 inches, 8.5 ounces

How far along? 
18 weeks 

Total weight gain/loss: 
4 pounds gained

Maternity clothes? 
Yes.  Especially shorts and pants.  I can still get away with big t-shirts.

Sleep: 
Well, I have sadly started sleeping on my side and my back only.  It was about time.  I had such a hard time giving up my stomach sleeping.  It takes me a while to get comfortable and a while to fall asleep but once I am asleep I sleep hard.

Best moment this week: 
It was the best moment of last week (again) actually...we had a Dr. appointment for a check up scheduled and the Dr. had to perform a c-section so we didn't get to see him BUT they did allow us to schedule our 20 week ultrasound instead of waiting for 22 weeks so we will get to find out what you are!  I'm very excited!

Movement:  
I am feeling more and more movement!  You have kicked Mommy really hard a couple of times for only being 5.5 - 6 inches long!  Last night you kicked me while I was trying to fall asleep and I yelled "oh sh!t"!   Maddie never kicked like this so I am once again thinking you are a boy!

Food cravings: 
I'm still loving candy but chocolate too and I have been surprised at how I am able to eat meat.  I actually crave hamburgers which is new for me.

Symptoms: 
Sore back occasionally.  When I do too much or lift Maddie too much I get cramps and contractions

Dr. Appts:
Aug 17th we will find out if you are a girl or a boy!  So excited!

Gender: 
Either would be amazing.  Sometimes I really think it could be a boy because of the kicking but there are many things that are similar to Maddie's pregnancy that make me think it could be a girl.  I also love the idea of being a Mother of two girls. 

Labor Signs:   
Rare contractions

Belly Button in or out? 
Still the same as pre-pregnancy-JUST BIGGER!  Maddie loves to see it and stick her finger all the way inside!

Feeling toward Pregnancy: 
It's much more difficult this time than it was with Maddie just because I am chasing a toddler around and she has been particularly whiny lately which makes my job more difficult but I am so excited to have another baby.  I am loving it when I see new babies out and about or when I walk into the baby store and see all of the things that new babies need.  I am feeling overwhelmed as well because there is so much to get done before you come!

What I miss: 
I miss stability.  Daddy found out that his job is in trouble and I miss feeling secure.  I am doing my best to be strong but it's very difficult.  If I am honest I will say that I'm terrified to think that Daddy may not have a job when you are born.  I have faith that he will but the thought crosses my mind.  As a mother all I want to do is to protect my family and I am feeling really pregnant and rather helpless.

What I am looking forward to: 
Next weeks ultrasound.  Daddy and I could use some good news.

Milestones: 
Sleeping on my side and back - finally.