90 days

J just called me at work and my stomach is churning.  His boss informed him that he has 90 days to get his numbers up or else... (I can't bare to type the "or else" part).  J is the sales manager for a group of employees.  He has tried relentlessly for months to motivate them and J puts in longer and longer hours at work to encourage them and do his part.  I sit here at my desk with a growing baby in my belly.  A growing baby we wanted so desperately and worked for tirelessly over the past year and a half.  A growing baby that is a reminder of why I am so scared for the next 90 days.  J assures me that we are comfortable with our savings and could sustain a couple of months if the worst happened but I am terrified of things to get to that point.  I want to feel secure, like I have for the last 11 years.  I want to feel assured when I tuck my little girl in at night and lay on the sofa feeling my baby kick that everything we know will remain as is, that we will continue to live comfortably.  I haven't bawled my eyes out yet, but I let J know that I am scared.  I am scared.  I never thought this would be us.  I believe in my husband's abilities so much so that I never even considered it.

I need to step up my game and do everything I can around the house to provide him more time outside of his already long and grueling work day to focus on working more.  The more I get done around the house, the more he can get done when he gets home.  I've already felt our family life shrinking while his work takes over more and more.  Something tells me I have no clue what shrinking family life is really like but I will soon.

J assures me that he isn't worrying yet and I shouldn't either, but I am.  I have to.  As the Mother and the Wife that's my job. I believe in my heart that all will be okay. I will be strong for him.  I will be his rock.  I will do everything in my power to get us through this.

We will get through this.

Baby Kicks

A couple of weeks ago I felt a baby flutter in my tummy when I woke up one weekend morning.  I wasn't positive it was the baby so I couldn't really document it.  This past Saturday, while in Chicago, Jamie and I were lying on the sofa watching the London Olympics.  We had had a full day with Madelyn at Shedd's Aquarium, Millennium Park and Michigan Avenue.  We finally made it back to the apartment we were staying in and after putting Maddie down Jamie gave me a foot rub.  He had just finished rubbing my feet and we were relaxing on the sofa.  My feet rested in his lap as we both watched the games.  All of a sudden I felt a kick.  I didn't realize it was the baby and it startled me so much that I sat straight up and looked at Jamie because I thought he punched me in the stomach!  It was obvious that it wasn't him because he looked at me wondering what happened.  I told him the baby kicked and we both laughed at my reaction.  The kick was so hard I actually thought Jamie punched me from the outside, I didn't realize it happened from the inside at first!  I have to admit...this kick made me think it 's a boy.  Maddie was so different in my belly.  She moved seldom and when she did it was brief and gentle.  She rolled but never once did she do anything that resembled what this felt like at 17 weeks.  No matter what gender, I am excited.  We will find out in a few short weeks what we are having and the fun decorating begins from there.

I would do anything for her. Anything.

In the weeks after Maddie was born I would mentally test myself all of the time to see if I had the kind of mother instinct I had always heard about.  I would look at Maddie and ask myself  if I would be lost without her like I had heard parent say about their children.  I would look at Maddie and ask myself if life as I knew it would be over without her.  Many questions like these, all to test my mothering instinct.  I remember thinking that it would be a terrible terrible loss to lose my baby but at that point she was so fresh in our lives that I didn't know what it would mean to me.  Maddie didn't have a personality yet.  We hadn't gotten to know each other yet.  She was a little beautiful bundle but I didn't know too much more about her.  I knew it took us so much to bring her into this world but I didn't know what she meant to me at that point.

Maddie is going to be 18 months next week and I can tell you that I do have the mothering instinct.  If I ever lost her I would absolutely be devastated and I would absolutely be lost without her.  She is my everything and 18 months after her birth I still look at her everyday and marvel at how perfect and happy she is.  She is my little side kick and I adore her so much.  She makes my heart smile.  She makes me laugh.  She looks up to me and communicates with me, she learns from me.  I sense what she wants and needs like she is part of me.  I know her better than anyone on this planet.  I often talk to her while I rock her before bed and tell her how much I love her and will tell her things that I want her to know.  I talked to her last week about how there are only five to six more months in which she will be my only child but that there will never be another her.  I tell her that no matter what we have I want her to grow up loving and respecting her little brother or sister.  I want them to always be friends even though they may have disagreements.  I want her relationship with her sibling to be different than the relationship I have with my brother.  I talk to her about how I want her to always know that she can talk to me, about anything and that I will always to my best to help her.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to say that I do have the mothering instinct.  I feel I am doing great at being a Mother.  I have my own personal fears that my ability to be a good Mother or want to be a good Mother will go away one day.  That's my own personal fear.  It always seemed like my Mother was a good Mother up until she decided she would rather be  or do something else and I really believe a Mother is a Mother for life.  Even Jamie and myself need Mother's from time to time.

Anyway, Madelyn and Baby Ducky...if you are reading this one day later in life.  Know that I love you more than anything in the world and know that you have changed my life in such a positive way and that my life would never be the same without you.  Thank you for coming into my life and making me a Mama.

14 weeks-2 days

This week, Baby is the size of an: Lemon 4 inches, 2.5 ounces

How far along? 14 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: 4 pounds gained

Maternity clothes? It's been so hot the last few weeks!  We got up to 108 one day.  I 've been wearing a lot of shorts and dresses along with swim suits to try and keep cool.  Daddy was out of town for five days and Maddie and I went to the park nearly everyday!  I wasn't showing this far along in my last pregnancy so I have had to buy some summer maternity clothes.

Sleep: Sleep is difficult.  I am still (insert guilty face here) sleeping on my stomach from time to time.  I checked with the Dr. and he said it won't hurt the baby.  I don't like doing it but it's the only way I can fall to sleep these days.  I am waking up on my back and sides more these days.  When I wake up I usually have to pee right away.  The pressure the baby puts on my full bladder actually hurts!

Best moment this week: It was the best moment of last week actually...we had an ultrasound where Daddy and I got to see baby!  Baby Ducky is measuring three days further along which means Baby is doing great!  It is a strange time in the pregnancy to be this far along and showing but to not feel any movement.  You actually start to wonder if there is a little baby in there or not!  I was taken aback when I saw that baby has gone from a gummy bear looking blobby thing to a baby shaped baby!  Such a beautiful and assuring sight!  Our next ultrasound we find out the sex!  So exicted!

Movement: Nothing yet, I am waiting eagerly to feel this baby move.  I can't wait!

Food cravings: I love hard candy right now and gummy candies!  I love laffy taffy (the giant strawberry sticks!) pink and red starbursts and jolly ranchers.  I've had a couple of cravings for hamburgers lately which surprises me.  I don't remember liking meat very much while I was pregnant with Maddie.  I've been a sushi eating fool too.  I keep taking people (I call them my victims) with me to eat sushi!

Symptoms: Sore back at times when I stand to long or do too much. It's really hard to raise a toddler while pregnant.  If I would have known this while I was pregnant with Maddie I would have laid on the sofa A LOT more!  

Dr. Appts - July 5th we saw Dr. Bale and he said everything is looking great!

Gender: Either would be amazing.  Sometimes I really think it could be a boy!  I am just so grateful for the opportunity to have another baby join our family.  We love you so much baby ducky!  

Labor Signs: Nah.

Belly Button in or out? Still the same as pre-pregnancy.

Feeling toward Pregnancy: Loving it.  I am loving watching my belly grow and I love more than anything asking Maddie where baby ducky is and she points to my stomach (most of the time - sometimes she points at my boobs - close enough!)  Maddie kisses baby ducky too.  So sweet.  She really has no idea what's going on but it makes me happy to see the two babies so close when she kisses my belly.

What I miss: Nothing really.  In a couple of weeks it will be sleeping on my stomach but that's a small price to pay for a baby!

What I am looking forward to: Picking stuff out for the nursery.

Milestones: Maddie pointing and kissing baby ducky.