Life...right now.

Life right now is ummm, well, different.  I am twenty weeks pregnant this week-with a second girl.  My husband's job is still hanging in limbo with uncomfortable uncertainty.  I have a 19 month old that is learning that she has a say in day to day activities.  I haven't talked to my Mother in over a month and I haven't talked to my brother in six months.

This is my second pregnancy without my Mother.  While it's heartbreaking to think that I don't have a Mother during a time in life when a girl needs her Mother...I'm dealing.  My Mother and I are better apart.  I miss having a Mother, but I don't miss not having my Mother.  When I think of how much I wish I had a Mother during this time of pregnancy and uncertainty with my husband's job, I must remind myself that she would not be helpful-someone else's Mother would be, not mine.  The hole in my heart will remain even though my head knows better.

Life at home is different as I stated earlier.  I am getting used to living like every dollar is ten dollars.  I don't go out and buy things freely anymore.  I used to think up a crafty project or something I want Maddie to have and go get it.  Now, I have blocked all of those things from my head.  I buy groceries and second hand clothes (which I have always done) for Maddie's fall wardrobe and we entertain ourselves doing free things around town for the most part.  We've been to many parks, had many picnics and we've been to the zoo  which are all free.  I feel our family bonding is better than ever although our futures are more uncertain than ever.  I have food cravings as a pregnant lady that I must try to resist now because mostly I crave restaurant food.

Speaking of pregnancy, we found out Friday the 17th that we are having another girl.  My husband and I are both shocked to say the least, but shocked in a good way.  I had thought it was a boy because the kicks were so hard and so different than Maddie.  I guess I just never thought about he possibility of two girls.  It has settled in and I am bonding with this sweet little girl in my tummy.  It's hard to picture her looking anything different than her beautiful sister does.  I always wanted a sister and I feel a sister is the greatest gift I could give Madelyn.  My mission has adjusted some.  I wanted to raise one well rounded and intelligent girl and now that applies to two girls.  I have also given myself the task of making sure these girls grow up to love and respect each other.  Something my brother and I have never done.  I know they will have their arguments and their low points but I want love and respect to be underlying in their relationship.  This will be my mission well until they are in adulthood if that is how long it takes.

Life as a Mother and wife is difficult right now.  There isn't a lot of room for romance, nor is there time for relaxing.  After Maddie goes to bed we look for jobs and Jamie applies to the ones we find.  It just hit me how hard this is.  I am having a difficult time walking the line between a concerned Mother/wife where my fear is easily detected and a strong Mother/wife that holds everything and everyone together.  I haven't had practice at this and I think the fact that I have a little baby fluttering around in my tummy makes it all the more difficult.  I'm trying to do what I can to hold our house together laundry wise, meal wise, cleaning wise, etc. but let's face it...I am lacking energy and sometimes I just don't feel I am doing my part.  I don't feel I am doing my part in the romance department either.  Before this weekend I think it had been well over two months before J and I had any type of intimate time together.  It's actually been on the forefront of my mind on a daily basis but with my energy level lacking thinking about it and feeling guilty about it are as far as I get.  

I'm starting to get to the point in pregnancy where I am feeling really frumpy and unattractive and like I will be like this forever.  I'm dreading the fact that having a baby the first time changed my lady parts and I'm heading for round two.  I'm expecting my lady parts to be completely unrecognizable after this.

I'm missing my anti-depressant pills.  If you haven't noticed yet it's incredibly hard to be positive these days.  My girls are the brightest spots in my life right now and I put on a good show for Maddie who, of course, knows nothing.  I'm looking forward to getting back on them as soon as baby #2 is out.

I'm going to try and write here more to clear my head.  I realize it's the closest thing I have to an anti-depressant pill and the closest thing I have to therapy in this difficult time.