Clarity

3/28/12

After writing my last post I felt silly when I thought about what I had written.  My hopes were really high because of the various symptoms I had experienced.  I woke up in the middle of the night Monday night and a voice said inside my head said "you aren't pregnant".  It was that simple.  It was a defining moment of clarity where all of the symptoms I had been feeling were weighed logically with my brain instead of my heart.  All of those symptoms that my heart clung desperately to were chalked up to mere side effects of progesterone and clomid and nothing more when my brain assessed the situation. This tww has been more difficult than any other than I can remember.  Maybe because I have had more symptoms than other tww's to obsess over?
I still continue to have the symptoms but I haven't tested since Monday.  I was telling my husband all of this and he seemed sad that I had given up this cycle and sad that I was chalking it up to a loss.  For the first time, he was speaking hopeful and optimistic on the other end of the phone where normally he is the realist and I am the optimist.  It was I saying, "yeah, but..."

I was searching google every different way imaginable to make sense of what I was feeling when I read something that put everything I was feeling in perspective.  In the fifteen months we have been trying for baby #2 I have only ovulated twice.  Once last cycle on my own after starting the Low Amylose Diet and again this cycle on clomid.  I was tested for progesterone Friday and had a 14.4 seven days post ovulation.  While researching this I came across a website saying how progesterone only occurs after ovulation and when women don't ovulate regularly they can have a lot of side effects from the progesterone which were similar to what I was feeling - mood swings especially.  All of the other side effects I have been feeling are common side effects with clomid.  In the middle of the night that night, it all came together and it hit me.  I am not pregnant.

When I told my husband about my BFN Sunday morning he later said to me"Well, your Doctor said you only had a 25 % chance this month if you ovulated.  That's not a lot." (He was trying to be helpful)  I said "Yes, but I look at that 25% and say Wow, we have a 25% chance this month just like normal couples!"  This illustrates our normal outlook when it comes to everything.  This "thinking with my brain stuff" isn't like me at all and of course it would be awesome to be proved wrong this month but I think I have FINALLY realized that thinking with my brain instead of my heart might just protect me from getting hurt.  It's like at 10 DPO my heart just shut down.  I can't explain it.