Down

3/29/12

As many times as I have tried to conceive I don't remember a cycle where I felt this way.  Apparently 150 mg of clomid takes a toll on you emotionally.  I feel low, lower than low.  After one cycle I feel defeated and so fragile.  It's harder than I thought it would be to balance the stress of marriage, work and motherhood with infertility.  I am really struggling the past few days and wonder if I can go through with another round of this.

I am generally a pretty laid back person and don't like making waves in my marriage, family or work life.  I can best equate my current personality to a raging bull.  I have let my husband know more than a couple of times in the last two weeks exactly what I think of him - the most recent being this morning.  These are things I have felt for a while and would normall just internalize but this clomid gives me infertile courage.  I get really pissed off and tell it like it is.  My husband did nothing to help get Maddie ready this morning and I laid into him about it.  I let him have it on Monday when I got in my car to head to work at 7:00 AM and there was absolutely no gas for me to get to work and he was the last to drive my car.  I found out yesterday that my brother plans to name his baby boy that is due in a couple of months after our Grandfather.  He is using my Grandfather's middle name,West, which I had told him I had plans on doing a couple of years ago.  I still remember his response when I told him this "Ahhhh, that's a good idea".  (My brother didn't know my Grandfather's middle name).  I told him right at that moment, if you take that I will be pissed.  My Mom told me his intentions last night and I went BAT SHIT CRAZY.  I, with my infertile courage, texted him and told him that I need to talk to him in person sooner rather than later.  He is coming over at 2:30 and I anticipate that it won't be pretty.  He has no idea what I want to talk to him about but I know I will most likely scream and cry simultaneously.  I'm not close to my brother as I don't think we have similar values or morals in general but I plan on letting him know that if he plans on driving a wedge further between us then go right ahead and use the name West.  I will hold it against him for A LONG time.

One month of treatment and I am a wreck.  I am stressed.  I am sad.  I am not myself.  I feel out of sorts, confused by myself, lost and hopeless.  I honestly question whether or not I can go through another cycle like this.  I've never had PMS, I guess because I never ovulate therefore I never have progesterone in my body.  I don't know how women do it.  The progesterone plus the clomid is about to kill me mentally and spiritually.  I never thought I would feel more broken and hopeless trying for my second child than for my first.  How is it possible?