Waiting for the cute little egg symbol

3/12/12

After Maddie was born a nurse was discharging us from the hospital and gave me strict instructions to get on birth control ASAP and to be very careful until then when having intercourse because it would be extremely easy to get pregnant the first few months after having a baby.  My husband and I of course were grateful for the insight and I did what any good infertile would do and started monitoring my cycles to try and get pregnant again.  Six weeks after having a baby and my very first cycle after having Madelyn I was back in the baby making game.  I gave myself one year before going back to the RE.  I was back in the RE's office 11 months after Maddie was born.  I didn't ovulate once in the 10 months after she was born.

We had purchased a CBE Fertility Monitor in this time span and it grew old testing for 20 days each cycle and never seeing the cute little egg symbol indicating I was ovulating.  Then shelling out more money to buy more sticks for what seemed like a lost cause.

When discussing baby #2 with the RE she recommended we go right back to IVF since it worked last time.  I wasn't quite ready to go back to IVF and told her I would like to ease our way back into this game if that would be okay.  She wrote me a scrip for Metformin and clomid and I was on my way.  I got home and started googling.  I googled and googled and decided that I was going to start the low amylose diet even though my RE said nothing about my weight.  I decided I was also going to get on metformin for three months before I started the clomid.  My first month on the diet I saw that cute little egg symbol indicating I ovulated.  I couldn't believe it.  It may as well have been a positive pregnancy test.  I was ecstatic!  I jumped up and down and ran downstairs to tell J.  He said "what does that mean?", "Does that mean you need me?".  "YES!"  I shouted and ran back upstairs.

We didn't get pregnant that cycle and I am onto the next cycle and my first round of clomid.  I have hung in there with the diet.  I have lost 20 pounds since I started the low amylose diet two months ago and 30 pounds since I started dieting after baby (6 months ago) putting me at my lowest weight in 8-9 years.  I'm feeling good and I am feeling positive about this cycle but underneath all of those good feelings are the real feelings that loom as an infertile.  Odds are that it's not going to work.  I hate that.

I want to put this out there too.  Trying sucks when you feel you are trying for a lost cause.  It was fun in the beginning.  I remember thinking "any day now it will happen" (this was days after we were married). We knew so little about how all of this worked but ignorance was bliss.  Now...there is no romance.  There is no passion.  There is no feeling.  It's mindless and robotic.  It's so mathematical, calculated and planned.  It's like a chore and that makes me sad.